Warning: I am very good at "great detail." As evidenced by the long entry below.
I'm Audra, and I'm about to turn 25. I don't have a problem with aging; when people lament the age of 40, it seems a little bit silly to me. This is probably because my mother has turned 40 with grace and pizzazz, energy and life, and I look forward to losing all the insecurities and questions that come with your 20's. Nonetheless, I tend to have existential crises, even at this age, due to my flair for the dramatic, and that I rarely stop thinking. So when you say, "in great detail," you generally don't have to worry about that with me --- I will likely give you more detail, with more drama, than you could ever ask for. Not soap opera drama, which I try to avoid like the plague, but the intense inner drama that comes with the never-ending inner monologue. A little Hamlet-esque, perhaps.
Anyways, I'm about to turn 25, and live in Brooklyn. I am originally from a completely different environment, and I don't mean the suburbs. I grew up on 27 acres of land. The next houses over, when those acres ended, were my nanny (grandmother) and aunt/uncles on my father's side. My sisters and I ran wild through the woods, barefeet in the grass, building forts and bridges over creeks, pretending that we could move through the forests without making a sound "like Indians." Our TV had four channels, and so I didn't watch much TV other than Jeopardy and the Simpsons. My mainstream television treats were Saturday morning cartoons (Smurfs!) with my grandfather when I was very small and we still lived in Ashland (I have no memory really of this) and the TGIF shows when I was older (Step by Step! Sabrina! Boy Meets World!). My grandfather remains one of the most pivotal people in my life; it is because of his presence (and my grandmother, but especially my grandfather) that I think I was able to be who I am and be supported by my mother and family, despite the craziness of my father.
I read. A lot. The library was always one of my favorite places, although now it has (sadly, for my wallet) been replaced oftentimes by bookstores, which I find hard to leave without a book.
I was poor. I never realized how poor we were, because we had a house and land. We didn't need a lot of things to entertain ourselves; trying to sneak pet frogs into the house was enough, and our vacations always consisted of camping with the family. But we were under poverty level for a while, with my mom making around $20,000/year during my elementary school years, while supporting myself, two sisters, and my father. My father worked, but all of his money was used for alcohol and drugs. In middle school, she got bumped into the $30ks, and we were able to buy "cool" clothes from Rugged Wearhouse for the first time. My mom going to work for Capital One when I was in 8th grade really transformed our life; her salary went up to $40,000 and we were able to leave my dad (albeit temporarily).
I was never popular, and often overweight. I remember struggling to break 10 minutes on the mile in 5th grade, and lamenting the fact of being 115 lbs at ten years old with a friend, wishing desperately to lose weight. But being poor, and in a house with physical/emotional abuse, I think that I was set up for that kind of struggle. It is sad, to me, though, that society has created such a standard that I would even KNOW at ten years old that I was "overweight."
In general, elementary school was tough for me in relation to friends; my circle changed frequently, and my best friends were never steady, for a wide variety of reasons. In middle school, when our four elementary schools merged, I was able to make friends that lasted the duration of my time in Hanover County. I was a nerd, for sure, but well-liked and friendly with most people. We had cliques, but not the kind of cliques that most had --- we all talked, laughed, and shared extracurriculars, we just didn't really go to the movies together on Saturday nights. I found my time consumed by extracurricular activities, and work once I was old enough: Model United Nations, Science, Latin Club, marching band, theater (costumes & make-up), youth group (at a Southern Baptist church, no less). I was into computer science, lobbying Congress to put the constitution on the back of the dollar bill, and working at Jersey Mike's.
I didn't date much; I attempted to have several serious relationships, but they were long distance and silly when I look back. I had a fling with a coworker at Jersey Mike's while on the clock, dated a couple of people several years younger than me, and had numerous unrequited crushes. I took a fling to Junior Prom, and went solo to Senior Prom. I think I actually bought the 2nd ticket and gave it to a 10th grade friend from theater, but maybe that was Stephanie (which of us did that?) Stephanie, Jonathan, and I were the Harry Potter trio, one of my strongest and longest-lasting obsessions. Teachers thought that Jonathan and I would date, and yet we're not even friends anymore.
Eventually, I met Aaron, online, and started "dating" him as much as we could be said to be dating. I was itching to get out of that town, and to see the world. NYU was my dream, but it cost too much, and so I ended up at Stony Brook. I never attended any class more than 30% of the time, with the exception of WRT 102 where two absences meant that you would be failed. Most of my classes I only attended for exams and turning in papers. It was a good experience, and I don't regret going, but I didn't find any part of it to really be challenging. Yet, being there and reading the things that I did, continued to help change and expand my mind; I don't think the 10th grade me and the current me would even be friends, and we certainly would never be able to discuss a hot button political issue. Aaron and I were together all the time, and we had plenty of laughs. We'd hang out with Grace & Steve, go to Dave & Buster's, see a LOT of movies, and do a lot of cooking. Eventually, we got engaged, but we were fighting all the time. Aaron had a thing for cyber-relationships, lots and lots and lots of porn (videos, magazines, online), and so on... I became a person I would never want to be, screeching and screaming and nearly physically violent with anger. Friends of mine told me that it was no big deal, because cybersex wasn't real sex, but it was just continuously downhill from there. I still sometimes become frustrated with the fact that this relationship went so seriously downhill, and yet none of my friends were able to speak up about it. Well, minus Jen, who is always honest, but we didn't REALLY become friends until the very end. We decided to take a break, and after just a week or two, I was ready for the break to be permanent. Things got worse from there; he stole money from me, made it difficult for me to get the car signed to my mom, and just a lot of things. He has contacted me several times over the years, and said nothing but nice things, but it's still strange to me.
I also had one of the best things in my life happen to me during this time: I began working at YAI. The people there --- both the individuals we supported and my fellow co-workers --- were exactly what I needed during this time, reminding me that I had the strength and capability to stand. I fell in love with my job, and often worked 100+ hours per week. I will never forget the love and memories from my year at the Setauket house, and will always be eternally grateful, for they have put me on the path I am today. I also met Nick during this time, who -- despite sometimes being a jerk --- really was a changing force in my life. He brought me further into the music that I like, the values that I have, and was the one who pushed me to apply for the Teaching Fellows. Although things did not and could never have worked for us romantically, he was a huge force in shaping who I am today. Other than that, most of that year was spent solo, reading, shopping, going for long drives to Orient Beach. The solitude was what I needed to heal and become stronger; my mom says that I lost myself in my relationship with Aaron, that I was not Audra, and I don't doubt it for a second. The year after, though, was where I was able to really grow my wings as an adult, single person, not near her family, not relying on a significant other, but just relying on herself and her own capabilities and dreams.
And then there was Dan, and the Teaching Fellows, which have really been what I've been doing for the past four years, with other stuff (yoga! eating healthy!) thrown in. I have not made any new friends here, no one that I would stay in touch with long-term, with the exception of one person that I work with. My only NYC friends, really, are the SBU ones that I already had --- Grace, Jessica. It seems like the past four years have been one big year, rather than four. I mean, huge things happened --- meeting Dan, getting married, going to Vegas, going to CA, going to Disney World, becoming a transition coordinator, getting my first Master's, starting at NYU for my second Master's, becoming an aunt. But I guess it's hard to write too much about that leg of the journey, because I feel like that leg is still going on. I don't really know where that leg is going to take me yet, and it's too soon to see too much of how it has shaped me. I do know that the past four years have meant that Kaitlin, my middle sister, and I have been able to become friends, and that seems to me more of an accomplishment than any of the other things, strangely.
That's a rather rambling overview of my life, but I guess it's as good a baseline as any for the upcoming days and entries. It's hard, other than the facts of my life, to describe who I am. I feel like I've learned a lot about myself this summer, through my spiritual journeys and solitude, but I cannot say that there really is a static person. One second, I'm serious and discussing the nature of reality and psychological states of well-being, and in the next, I'm making up ridiculous songs that go nowhere and don't make any sense. I like Disney, being outdoors, the mountains, the beach, the flowers, the clouds in the sky. I like to read books and to experiment with watercolors and laugh with friends. I am mostly disconnected from mainstream culture; we don't have television, I don't read the news (or any blogs), or listen to the radio. I would have no idea of what movies are out, or what they're about, what the latest fashions are, or the coolest places to go. I'm happiest if I have a picnic blanket and a great swath of grass to myself, or perusing my wide range of interests and search for knowledge in a bookstore. I'm sure there's more, but considering there are thirty days of this ahead...
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